Marriage and the Choices we Make

You were born together,
and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when the white wings of death
scatter your days.

Ay, you shall be together
even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens
dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea
between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup, but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread,

But eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous,

but let each one of you be alone.

Even as the strings of a lute are alone

though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.

For only the land of life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress

grow not in each other's shadow.

This poem, by Kahlil Gibran, melts my heart every time I read it.
Sixteen years ago, friends and family were sitting in church pews reading this very poem printed on the back of our wedding program.  Sixteen years ago, Terry and I were married with the sentiments of this poem brightly dancing in our minds not really having a clue of how the words in this poem could truly affect our lives.

And now sixteen years later, after just celebrating our anniversary last week, as I revisit this lovely poem, I sit and chuckle at how much we really didn't know back then... or did we?  We were mere babies relatively innocent and unscathed by life.  And yet, somehow we knew to choose each other, and we knew to choose this poem as the wind beneath us... we knew on a soul level exactly what to do.

This poem wouldn't work for everyone.  It just wouldn't. Many couples feel the need to be extremely close in their love - to eat from the same loaf and drink from the same cup... and that's all good, but it's just not how we do it.  Terry and I like our space.  The space between us is probably the very thing that keeps us strong.  He knows to let me do what I want and when I want because he innately knows that I am happiest when I have the freedom to be me.  And I know that he too needs space... I'm always loving him, but sometimes from a bit of a distance...letting him go into his cave by himself to figure out life.  We both love our space, and we admire and respect that about each other.  Did we really know this about each other back then?  I don't know.  I really can't remember.  I was just looking at his darling legs and his bright blue sparkling eyes and thinking that I wanted to have his babies!!!

And this poem makes me wonder..."How did I know back then that I was giving myself to Terry because he would be the one to allow me this space?  I didn't even know I needed space let alone that Terry was the right man to give that to me.

How was I to know he'd turn out to be the most amazing father ever?  How was I to know that he would do just about anything to make me happy?  And how was I to know that after sixteen years, we'd still be laughing together and loving each other on a level I never knew possible?  The love we shared back then was so different than the love we share now.  Both extremely real -but many more layers now.  It was passionate and intense back then.  It is constant and secure and safe now. 

Now we run like a well-oiled machine. Together we have a unique rhythm that just knows how to get the many daily activities of life done efficiently and happily.  We had no idea that we would face some terrifying and crazy challenges together - that we'd be so tired and battle-wounded and heavy-hearted at times.  We didn't imagine how exhausting raising a family would be, or how keeping each other happy in the low times would be, or just how tired we'd both be just living.

We also didn't understand how amazing the journey would be.  That even through the tough times, we are riding those waves  and standing tall and proud on the board!!  And not only are we standing on the boards, we're laughing and loving and having a darn good time doing it!

I could never foresee that a look between Terry and I could say so much... that when our kids do or say something funny, one look in each other's eyes says, "That is hysterical.  Can you believe that we created these amazing creatures... high five, back at ya!"  Or one look can say, "Don't you dare even go there with me right now because I'm about to lose it."  Or one look can say, "Damn, you're still really cute!" or, "If we don't get the dishes in the dishwasher, we're not going to have enough plates, and that's going to throw off our time frame before we need to make it to soccer practice.  Can you please move faster? type look.  It's those layers of experience that I so appreciate now.  Terry knows me better than anyone.  He sees me in a light that no one else does... in my most raw and real and vulnerable times, and I know that I am safe with him, even after all that he sees. 

So, I think I've figured out an important life lesson.  Trust your instinct.  Trust that voice inside you.  Trust your heart.  Because only my instinct, my voice inside, and my heart could have known the happiness Terry could bring .  That internal guidance that says, "Do this!" "Pick him," "Take that job," "Don't go that way, go this way," "slow down," "do it now!"  That's the soul talking!!!  And when we are letting our souls lead us through life, we are sure to be blessed abundantly.  And when we look back through our pasts and see a totally different person than we are now, we often realize that our whole lives our souls have been trying to guide us.  And if we just let them, the consequences are rich.

So today, I am thankful for my husband, Terry, and thankful that way back then I had the sense to let my soul guide me.  I am reminded that my higher self wants the most amazing life for me, and all I have to do is open up and ask.  I ask for guidance in keeping myself open to making decisions based on my soul's desire... it will lead to great blessings and abundance.